Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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