I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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