Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
