My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Randomize
