it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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