I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
you never un-have a 4some
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
