dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
