I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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