That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
