I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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