I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
