I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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