Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Randomize
