it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
