omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
