i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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