The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
