i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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