so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
