Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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