me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
