im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
