I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
me + whiskey = a bad person
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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