I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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