I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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