Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
