my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
