Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
