saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
