so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
