Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
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This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
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I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
And then he peed in my hair
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