I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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