omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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