she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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