just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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