The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
