youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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