I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
