My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
