Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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