working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
