Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
farters have to be the big spoon...
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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