yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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