I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Randomize
