My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
