He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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