K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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