what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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