I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
