billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
