I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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