he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
