I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
