My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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