your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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