My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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