how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
