I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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